Psychologist Leon Kuczynski of the University of Guelph, who studies the agency in children, points out a double standard: We expect children to conform, but not to an adult. “The essence of parenthood concerns the way of managing the non-respect of children, with the idea of eliminating it … From early childhood, children’s resistance is a sign of autonomy and it is in fact a characteristic of [all] human beings, ”he says.
There is also the practical difficulty of reconciling different objectives. Even the most patient parent can have difficulty when their children’s wants conflict with their own needs, such as leaving the house fully dressed and on time. But while acknowledging children’s sense of action doesn’t completely eliminate these stressful times, it can at least make parents more aware of their child’s perspective – and less compelled to assert their authority.
As children grow older, their influence on us becomes more evident. In a 2016 study, Kuczynski and colleagues asked parents in 30 families to talk about any recent events in which their children had intervened or had some influence in their lives. He found a wide range of responses, ranging from comments about a parent’s appearance, politeness, health, and driving skills. They even changed their recycling habits, with one of the parents of a 10-year-old saying, “Maybe we don’t believe in respecting the environment until it draws our attention to it.
Mothers were more influenced than fathers, possibly because mothers tend to spend more time with their children overall. The study, says Kuczynski, shows that even though our actions affect the child, “the child’s actions affect you. By being in a close relationship, you are actually vulnerable and receptive to that child’s influence.” . This also happens for a good reason: Parents have said they want to “maintain a close relationship” with their children, to improve privacy and respect. Listening to them is clearly a key element.
I was certainly much more patient and relaxed before I had children. It helps to understand that my kids don’t have fits because I’m impatient and stressed, but get more stressed when they cry. But they also taught me that empathizing with their outbursts and validating their feelings, however irrational they may seem, is the best way to defuse such tantrums. Ultimately, we all learn from each other. Accepting that and meeting their needs makes life smoother, even if that means having an extra cup of coffee after another interrupted night’s sleep.
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Melissa Hogenboom is the editor-in-chief of BBC Reel. His book, The maternity complexis now available. She is @melissasuzanneh on Twitter.
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