Listen: Yumi Stynes chats with Holly Wainwright and Andrew Daddo about her five golden rules for parenting on the Mamamia This Glorious Mess podcast. The message continues below.
4. Raise your children as if they could be different.
As a gay man, I am acutely aware of the negative ramifications that assumptions can have on young people. As a child, everywhere I turned I saw a pattern of human experience that did not match the feelings in my heart. And because of that, I never once heard words that summed up my experience when discussing potential relationships.
We often ask young people – far too young, I should add – if they have a crush on someone or if they make a date at a school event.
If you think your child is the appropriate age for discussing intimate relationships, consider whether you are just embracing their sexuality when asking the question. Because if so, there is a 10% chance that you are wrong. And unlike other situations, this mistake could accidentally create a dangerous division between you and your child.
Without knowing it, you say “this is normal and you are not normal”. And for many gay people, it’s the start of a dangerous, lifelong battle with self-esteem. It almost always starts, unfortunately, at home. Even with the most tolerant parents.
I suggest you keep it wide if you are unsure or uncomfortable. Phrases like “do you have a partner” are extremely safe. But if you want to make it very clear that you accept all forms of sex, you can always say, “Have you decided if you would like to invite a boy or a girl to school to dance?” “
And that’s just sexuality. When it comes to gender and gender expression, walking your children through both sections of a clothing store and allowing them to choose the clothes that appeal to them will decrease the likelihood that they will feel they can’t. not be themselves and will increase the likelihood that you, as a parent, may pick up clues that they might not “fit” with the gender norms our society advocates right now.
5. Partners do not need to agree on parenting.
When I grew up, the general consensus was that “mom and dad were okay with everything.” If one parent presented a set of rules, it was understood that the other parent agreed. You didn’t fight in front of your kids, sure, but it was so much deeper than that.
Parents needed to present on a unified front and this often crept into a unified front among entire families or groups of friends, leaving very little room for a variety of thoughts or experiences.