Source: Izzy Park / Unsplash
As part of the One Child Project, a research study that I lead, I asked only children and parents of only children how many children they thought they wanted or thought they wanted. Most, but not all, say two or more.
The idea of a nuclear family with two or three children is embedded in the belief system of society. But the 2020 census highlights what is really happening: families with one child outnumber families with two and three children, and have done so for several decades.
Families with one child under 18 are more numerous than households with two children; The same is true when looking only at families with children under 6. In particular, the number of parents with university or college degrees continues its upward trend. This indicates that women stay in school longer, marry later, and wait to start their families.
Consistently, the women in the One Child project were at least 30 years old and some were considerably older when they gave birth. Like many I’ve spoken to, Kathleen,* 41, says she could have had another child if she had married earlier. “My body clock is counting down; I didn’t expect to get married at 37 and have a baby so late at 39. It’s finish. I worry about the risk of pregnancy complications as I get older.
Meredith and Doug are 39 years old; each has three siblings and a good relationship with them. When you ask them to have children, they say, “You would think because we have siblings that we would like to repeat this, but we don’t. We are focusing on our careers ”- she is an oncologist, he is a biochemist -“ and want to buy a second home. “If we have any,” Meredith said emphatically, “it will be one.”
When sibling relationships are positive, it can be difficult to reconcile the choice of an only child. Unlike Meredith, 42-year-old Fredda says, “I’ve always wanted two children because of my relationship with my sister, one that I have perhaps idealized since she passed away in her early twenties. For me, a lot of reasons came together.
Women today have career opportunities that they did not have in the 1950s and 1960s, in accordance with the goals they set for themselves. As a result, many women, like Meredith and Fredda, assess how having one or more children might affect their career path. Fredda wants more in her life than raising kids at home. “When my husband and I turned 40, our son was 7 and was becoming more independent. We realized that we were about to take back our lives. We were satisfied and wanted the freedoms you lose if you start over with a baby. Highlighting our decision was the jarring time I had after my long maternity leave. Unlike the United States, my country grants a full year of paid maternity leave.
“When I came back I was pushed aside; it was a career break, and I had to find another position in a new company. I knew from experience that if I took another maternity leave to have a second child, I would essentially be replaced again. Shorting my career was hurtful, and a little voice in my head told me, don’t do it again. I listened.”
More than half of millennial women “assume that if and when they have children, it will be more difficult for them to advance in their careers,” according to the Pew Research Center.
For the most part, women in their twenties, whether single or in a relationship, don’t think about their fertility. They focus on getting their job done and being financially able to support a family. Those in their 30s and early 40s and in the family planning stage also choose one. Richard and Elena, together for 18 years, decided it was time to have a baby. She is 38 years old and Richard is 39 years old, older than previous generations to start a family. They are united on the number of children to be had: “It has been a long road in getting us to want a child. We definitely only have one, we’re both only children.
Juliet was 43 when she gave birth to her son and explains another common ‘decision maker’ about having a child: the cost of infertility treatment. “When I was younger I thought two was my number… as I got older I worried about my fertility,” she says. “Having a baby took two expensive rounds of IVF and of course they weren’t covered by insurance. We felt lucky to have a viable embryo, then lucky to have a healthy child. We agreed to stop. We have decided not to tempt fates anymore.
The pandemic is changing minds.
The pandemic has let down a veil of uncertainty, forcing people to rethink motherhood and the number of children to be had. The pandemic is likely to negatively affect the birth rate for a long time, if not permanently. Amid the long lockdown, Joe Pinsker, who writes regularly on Families for Atlantic, shared, “… in times of heightened uncertainty, people are less likely to have children. And the future is doubly uncertain right now: Prospective parents are likely worried about both their future health (and that of their children) and their future finances. ”
The pandemic has only put child parents and expectant parents on high alert, as evidenced by recent posts on parenting boards. Comment after comment, sound the alarm:
- “When my husband just mentioned having a second baby, I went back to birth control.”
- The parent of a 2 year old posted: “This pandemic and the money convinced me to stop at one.”
- The mother of a 3-year-old added: “Too many unknowns. I have friends who tell me that life will be fine and that I will miss it if I don’t have another child. I am not convinced. I think we should make the child we have a priority.
Young enough to have more children, 36-year-old Rebecca has a 2-year-old and admits to having long debates with herself and her husband. “We thought we wanted several kids, three or four,” she told me. “When we thought we might have a second, the pandemic started. We both worked in jobs with insecure security. It cut us short and made us think now is not the right time to have another child.
Whatever number of children men and women say they want, today a large number of them prioritize their education or career and want to stabilize their place in the labor market before d. ‘have babies or more babies. “We are going through probably the fastest family structure change in human history,” writes David Brooks in Atlantic. “The causes are at the same time economic, cultural and institutional. “
With the high cost of raising children and the pressure on working parents and in the midst of a pandemic that only further defies standards, it is understandable that many parents, including those who expected the ‘origin to have several children, adopt the family to one child.
*The names of study participants have been changed to protect their identities.
Copyright @ 2021 by Susan Newman, Ph.D.